Reflections from A Walk down the Road Nostalgia

Today was an unusual day. Unusual, because it's weird. Last night, all my bad memories kept coming back, and it was so irritating, that for a moment I wished I had no memories at all, and that I could start over on a clean slate or at least go back in time and redo a part of my life.
What happened today, seemed to be a reply to that thought. I woke up, feeling ancient, not in the sense of being old, but in the sense of having always been there and seen a lot. This coupled with the conveniently amazing, windy and cold weather, lead me to go on a walk. A walk, down the road Nostalgia, both physically and mentally.
So I started off. To Hyatt Regency, one of my first destinations - the ice rink. Although I didn't enter the galleria, I stood off and remembered how I was fascinated (at the age of 6) by the existence of ICE in this hot country. That childish memory itself made me want to be a child again, and look at everything with the wonder of a child, without preconceived notions. That's when I also decided to call as many people as I could, which is why Mr. Uppal was called, Mr. Mehrotra was waken up from a slumber, Mr. Sharma from his college essays and the other lot.
As I walked down at 2.30p.m. I felt the heat and in that moment I also revisited the emotions I experience every time I return to Dubai, the desert, hot and just.... different. I turned around then, to walk home the long way. And as I did, I realized I was in that part of Deira where Mr. Zakir and I used to walk for our YEC stuff. The memory and the wretchedness of the loss of that friendship drove me to call Zakir again. And I heard the standard message "The mobile phone you are calling is currently, either switched off... or outside the coverage area, please try again later. Thank You." So much for that endeavour.
Next I crossed the creek, and while I did so, I remembered how the Grey Crest also crossed the creek on the abra and it was raining. Unfortunately it wasn't raining this time. So...On. To Al Musalla Towers, where Hussain and I, travelled for Ms. Das or should I say Mrs. Uppal's party. And the funny thing was we noticed a LOT of cats in the parking area, some fifteen or something, and again today history repeated itself.
To Al Ain Centre. To Ramada. The thing about this part of the trip was that I just couldn't stop remembering how I had got lost, when I tried to go from there to Ajdan for Sonia's Farewell. So in the process I passed Silver Sands 2 (Where I had gone to for the before B4 party meet to dress up. Funnily I didn't know it was a formal party, until I got there.) I passed Ajdan again, and remembred how I was a vampire for Amrit's party, and Amrit as the villain of the Scream series.
By the time, I felt I had revisited most of the places I did in the last year, and decided to head home. That's when I had a tad of a problem. You see, I walked around Bur Juman (literally) TWICE, in an attempt to guess where Lulu would be, and realised the blaring fact. I was lost. ish. (Those RTA maps should have something like our school's 'You are Here') I passed the Khalil bin Waleed metro Station, and walked down the road. And it was a LONG walk. Because either all the people on the road, were misguided about Karama, or they just hated me. I'm inclined to think they were misguided, in an act of self-defence, pardon me.
Well the rest of the trip ends like your normal twilight/fairy tale. All went well, I conquered all obstacles got to lulu and in the process walked at least a few kilometres.

Well, if you've stuck with me through all this rambling, this is the thing. The funny thing is that ALL of us wish we could go back through time, and redo some event, and go through everything after that. But the problem is, that every event changes us, at a conscious, sub-conscious or even unconscious manner. And every change, every event, itself sort of makes us who we are at that time, and because of it, we go forward. The thing I wished to redo the most again, was the entire GYL experience, as I could have taken the most out of it. But then again, if I was more confident, I would never have met Mr. Uppal as I did, or even for that, taken part in any event that happened in school, the Grey Crest for YEC, and the emo stage to the stage of Evolution which started on this year's trip to the UK, or met some of the most amazing people over there. So in a way, the worst experiences itself make us so humane, because in the process of being in a bad stage we do learn to appreciate the good stuff. In a similar way, we fail to recognize that possession of anything is not Love. Love is when you let things go their own way, according to their nature. By accepting this love, you learn to love the way your life has gone. So... if you did have a choice, to go back through time, forget the knowledge of what you have done, except for the instinct to do what you had to....Would You?

Enclosed

It shines with a pale green light,

And through it is radiance.

Radiance of all that is lush; green,

And all of the beauty of that jade,

Is wrapped in dust. Enclosed

And it lies; it does not exist,

But it surrounds that glorifying emerald,

Denying; it lives.

It shines like a thousand flames,

Yet more powerful, more brilliant,

Riding on Apollo’s chariot and,

Bringing light; and life…which?

And it bathes, and cleanses

Illuminates.

But in the stormy nights, he is refused,

He cannot enter. So;

Calmly he stands for he knows,

In his time, all will dissipate,

But he exists.

It is dawn, and the light bounces off,

Passing over the red lips of a rose,

Slowly cleansing it and its

Vibrancy becomes a thousand more,

Until it is mesmerizing; the penultimate,

Of the earliest beauty. Yet it is so;

Simple, so pure, and yet glorious.

And I am here, I shine, and yet not burn.

I am. I see. I know. I feel. I am.

It cannot dwell, if I am to have mastery,

It cannot defeat me, I will not allow it.

I am ultimate; I am the devouring maw,

I cannot lose, I must dominate; Think,

Verisimilar mes attack me; I must not diminish,

I need Energy, Power.

Finally; The soul existence is enclosed.

Songs to the Afterlife

Excruciating pain in my body,
My lungs burn,
My head cracks,
And it all seems to be over;
So I must be shaken;
Yet I’m not.

I feel the pain of a lifetime,
That will blast any moment,
Until I fall into dysfunction,
Existence is difficult…
It should be;
It’s not.

I saw her eyes filled with tears,
The melody that flowed in her voice,
Her sorrow was a song; an emotion; a joy,
And she kissed my hand as I left.

She looked at me with innocent eyes
Clutching onto the rabbit I gave her;
And her voice was the harmony of beauty;
Life is joy.
And she asked if I would return.
I lied.

He looked at me with pure hatred,
And I with love;
We knew that we were leaving a promise un-kept,
But I believe it was time,
Maybe the promise will live on.
And he sung the silent song,
Of the bond of a son and his father,
The words, that was lost in ego.

She opened her delicate eyes,
Looking for the first time; maybe the last;
And I touched her soft flesh,
Her tiny palms,
And she emanated harmony,
Of a new life, and of wonder;
And my head spun with mirth;
I rose and yet fell;
But I was undiminished.

I remember my last dinner,
The candles lit before us,
As we sat in the shadows,
Thank the almighty, for not the food,
Nor the family,
But for love.
And we laughed;
We cried;
And the doldrums of tomorrow,
Was second;
For Love.

Love beyond family,
Love beyond innocence,
Love beyond memories,
Love beyond wrong,
Love beyond sorrow,
Love beyond Death.

Liberation

Outside; the glory of light,
Bathed in the radiant energy of the sun,
Eyes closed, relishing the warmth,
It’s all that can be relinquished,
A sort of purity,
Transcend.

The air whistles by,
Wafts of warmth from a loving heart,
Eterntia; over time… Beyond time.

And these leaves drift upon the wind,
Like a flutter in the sky,
A disassociation, from a bond,
And flying away, on the whims of nature.

And the breeze is a whisper,
From a distant source,
Bathing my mind, enveloped in perpetual epiphany,
Thought… is pure
Thought … is love.

Breaking free, of all bonds,
Transcending all dreams,
Farther up, Farther in.

Goodbye Modern.

As you all know, today was the last day in the present school campus. To most of you, I believe, it may not matter much, because you would still have your friends… for a while. It’s however too sorrowful for me which is why I wanted to articulate my feelings.

Modern’s current campus is a second home to me… maybe the only home. I’ve seen many tales, some of which were inspiring, some hateful and yet below the timbre of each tale there is a resonant sound, that seems to pervade me. The exact definition of a home would be Modern, for me (except about sleeping for long hours.)

The thing that makes it worse than a farewell is that it’s biding goodbye to a past life, bit by bit. It’s terrible to have to leave one’s home because the moment you look at every class, every wall, someone’s position or style in a certain place, are filled with memories of times there. Playing in the tennis court, crowding around the canteen, walking in a line around the quadrangle are just some of the things that come flooding back. And as soon as it’s over, your only support is your friends. Unfortunately you have only ten months with them, to be balanced with the choices of a future life before you must walk another road and part. That’s what makes it so bad. And soon you see everything of your childhood fall apart and fade away. I can’t even bear to look at the photos of the school because I know I would possibly overflow with these emotions. And I can’t do that. I just can’t. The pain of everything fading away.

So the only thing I can do, is spend as much time with you, and balance academics for the future. At least if I am strong to look at the photos, I should hear the purest sound of merriment- laughter emerging faintly from a hidden wall in the recesses of my memory.

Despair

The greatest evil released from Pandora’s Box – despair. There is a powerful illusion connected to this word. Beyond all sorrow and beyond depression, this is so overwhelming and ensnaring. Despair is when you are not only sorrowful, but disconnected and hardened beyond repair – a sort of cold indifference. There is feeling, that one is bereft of all purpose, and life itself seems so hostile. When you acknowledge or work towards something, everything flows like an ocean. Buffeted yet moving towards a hidden area. But when you lose it, life itself is a phantasma, all motion is meaningless, captured and stagnated until there is just pain - a shell in which you are withdrawn, with nothing of the environment.
Then life itself is so mechanical and robotic that one loses ‘en-theo-sia-zein’ and all that is, is self, but no ‘I’. There is personified a malice that seeks to revel and overpower in this emptiness that appears to be a roof, but a roof that confines and not shelters. This existence feels so evil and all subsistence is a drag, that the eventuality is a suicidal approach. Escape from this cruel sympathy that appears to feel sorrow for this weakness, instead of emboldening the ‘I’. Eventually, all is lost.

Frozen

It was surrounding me…
The block of ice,
That promised to warm,
But not thaw,
But yet betrayed,
Chilled to the heart.

Bereft of all purpose
No drive,
No goal,
Existence.
Just Existence.
Going on.
Pulled by invisible threads,
Attached to mechanical limbs
And a mindless mind.

Dragging on,
Pain that just seeps,
Like this icy water,
Daggers
Through this crack,
Floods,
Drowns
And all I want,
Escape,
For a while
Or better,
Forever.
Light before my eyes.

God?

God.
The concept that has deluded man, for times that have passed and ages that will come. The concept around which innumerable wars have revolved. The concept we can never logically or scientifically prove.
The falsehood exists because no one is trying to feel God. They try to understand him as though he is a puzzle that needs to be pieced out. And this is because it is human nature to classify and label everything. They need to give it a shadow or an illusionary existence. Thus because everyone has tried to classify god, they have miserably failed.
I do not profess to know the truth. I merely try to explain why is God necessary in our lives. People who tend to be religious are often fatalistic, believing that God created their lives. This fatalism leads to inability to act correctly or truly. But divine intervention is not a part of the original plan. What is a part of the plan (if it exists) is that God will make the stories interlink so that what will eventually happen appears as a miracle to both actors of the stories.
We need to act. We need to work according to what our judgment and what our intuitions tell us. We must work according as to what we desire. The plan exists because we endeavour to change our lives. It is our effort upon which the plan depends.

The second part. Why do we need to believe in God? Let us assume God does not exist. Then it means that we are in complete control in our lives. That perhaps feels good. But when we are in crisis, say facing bankruptcy. In that case, the rational man comes under stress, and because of such heavy debts and commits suicide. The religious man however will continue to live on, because of his faith that God will intervene and save him. This is why religion is necessary. Because its doctrines teach us to live morally correct. The doctrines are the rules of a utopia. And the fact that we all believe that God will help us bears testimony to the fact, that we manage to pull through tough times and emerge successful.

Maybe that is why, religion is such a success.

Identity

Derek met me.

After a long time, my uncle was joyful to see me. His eyes were twinkling, and he had a radiant smile on his face. Anyone who saw that smile could not remain sad for long. It had the purity of love. It was the love of a father. I asked him about his daughter who was in Indiana. She had gone for further studies. He did not reply with a twinkle in his eyes. He said with the usual smile that she was happy. She was more independent and she was enjoying university life. She had a life without boundaries or restrictions. Where her life was only her own. But at that moment, I saw a grieved parent. A parent who loved his daughter so much that he would not let any levy criticism upon her. But now, she wanted to be free of him. How sad.

* * * * * * *

Rihanna was the sole apple of her parent’s life. They loved her more than her elder siblings who they felt did not love them as much as they did. They wanted to go enjoy with friends and attend parties. Thus Rihanna’s parents loved her more than anything. They were protective of her. They taught her of religion, of good, and of life. She grew more mature as they spent more time with her. She loved her parents and her sisters too. She like the way they dressed up and looked like models with all the make-up. And they all loved her too. But her parents loved her the most. They would get the smallest gifts that she desired. They comforted her when she was afraid of the dark. They gave her guidance and love. They helped her through her teens, and helped her to remain true and good. And when she finished schooling she went to university. Then everything changed. She loved the freedom to do what she wanted. She was finally feeling more confident. But now she realized what she had missed. Her parents were too over-protective. They would restrict her if she tried to go to the movies, or go out of university grounds. She could not even speak to anyone else apart from her known friends. They said that experience had taught them certain values, which they were now teaching to her. She should believe in them. That she could until now. Now she had to know. So she told her parents that she wanted to be free. And told them how much she appreciated their love, but she now needed her independence.

* * * * * * *

This is but a part of the daily stories we see and experience. So many roles here, for Derek- a father, a teacher, a mentor, an oppressor, a man who did not let his daughter think for herself because she was inexperienced. The same applies for Rihanna – a precious daughter, a loved one, the hope for her parents, and the traitor.

Who is to blame? Derek? Just because he wanted to save his daughter from the evils of this world? Or Rihanna? Just because she wanted to learn about life on her own and do what she believed in.

There is so much more to this. This life is not composed of simple battles between right and wrong, good and evil. It is a life beyond all of it. What we need to realize is that there should be no dimensions that separate us from assuming our quintessential self. This self is beyond all good and evil. It just is. It cannot be explained. Only understood. Because in it there is an end of the lie. It is God, in the sense that it teaches us what is right, and the reasons behind it. It is the voice of all good.

Yourself-Evil

I wanted to share a thought on the post I posted earlier, though what I will say has no reference to the thought-pattern behind it.

We keep thinking that our essence is pure good. A fragment of God himself. However why could it not be pure evil. If so, it means that praying to God is done so that we can redeem ourselves and convert our essence to good. So praying becomes more holy as we seek to be closer to God and wipe away the Evil. It would also mean, that the reason why God does not help us, is because the struggle is our own. We must fight the darkness on our own. And thus Good and Evil becomes a choice.

If our essence was purely good, then why would we stain it at all. If God resided in the fingerprint he lays on us, why would there be evil?


After all, Why Not?

The Phoenix

Time has come,
My ages of trouble have caught up,
It is time.
It is the ending.
Goodbye.

Fire around me,
Burning,
Purity,
Like gold,
Burning.

My feet first,
Scorched,
And disintegrated,
My legs, burning;
Fall apart.

My Torso,
Engulfed in flame,
Falling away.
And finally,
Me.
I am burning

Pain!!
Help!
Please!
I am falling apart,
I am burnt alive,
Unbearable pain;
Screaming,
Alone.

Help.
I am falling.
I can’t bear it.
And I scream one last time,
Then Nothing.

I am ash;
I am awake;
Gather these fragments,
Of a broken life.
Assimilate.
Growing again.
Recasting myself,
Back on my feet.
Reborn. Alive.
After all;
I am a sole Phoenix.

Yourself - Evil